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| Aku jalan ke hujung dunia,
Berdiri di sudutnya..
Aku renung batasannya,
Melangkah melepasinya..
Seperti bernafas di dalam air,
Bagai melawan aliran pasir,
Sejuk dadaku, dingin hatiku..
Oleh kerana cinta,
Kapan saja ku memikirkannya..
Oleh kerana cinta,
Kangen, kehilangannya..
Oleh kerana cinta,
Sepi, bila sudah tiada..
Oleh kerana cinta,
Hati mati, mimpi binasa..
Kenapa..
Cinta, kau pergi meninggalkan benci..?
Sedangkan aku berlari mencari-cari,
Menyorak, menyeru, mendayu-dayu,
Pulangkan hati, pulangkanlah mimpi..
Apakah bisa ku temui lagi..?
Kebahagiaan yang pernah ku nikmati..
Aku sayang kamu..
Aku ingin kamu..
Kenapa..
Cinta, kau kejam dan menzalimi..?
Kau judas dan mengkhianati..?
Kau acuh, tak mempeduli..?
Apakah aku tak berhak disayangi..?
Dan aku menyendiri,
Dan aku menyepi,
Melihat saja kamu pergi,
Membiarkan saja kamu lari,
Tanpa bertanya untukku sendiri..
Tenggelamkan saja diri ini..!
Tak satupun maruah atau harga diri,
Yang masih bersemadi di jasad ini..
Tubuh yang kosong tanpa rohani..
Dan aku memarahimu..
Aku silap, hukumlah daku..!
Aku salah, tikamlah daku..!
Daku tak bisa mempercayai lagi,
Daku tak upaya memberi lagi..
Tiada apa lagi yang kumiliki,
Kamu rentap semuanya..
Jangan dipinta lainnya..
Dan tanpa aku sedari,
Air mata membasahi pipi,
Siksaan yang enggan henti,
Kasihanilah aku..
Dan aku sendiri,
Dan aku sepi..
Menanti hari..
Merindui cahaya rumahku yang tenang..
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| My love.. I was going through my email, reminiscing the past and i found this email amongst others.. Im sorry that im doing this, but i cant help myself.. I miss you so so much.. And i do this to remind myself of my loss.. Remind myself why i love you so much.. Remind myself why i need to change.. yet again, i cried when i read this.. our hopes, our dreams, our future.. i wished we still share those.. i love you sayang, and maybe someday, you will love me back too.. I pray for that day.. Thats all i have left to work for.. And i know if I ever earned your love once again, i will marry you.. i will love you.. i will bahagiakan you.. because we've both changed.. and i am your man.. i will always be yours.. heart, body and soul.. and i know better now, than to let you go.. i know better now.. that i cannot live without you.. my heart only beats for you.. i would not have it any other way..
White Flag:The Conclusion
Dearest you,
Hello.This email might catch you off guard as i've never given you any emails or messages thru this particular medium before. As you've said, there's always a first for everything.I wanted to tell you many things the other morning when we met but again, words failed me.Maybe this email is best to describe how i'm feeling right now. I've been thinking a lot (i feel like this phrase is overused), and believe me,i think a lot about EVERYTHING.
I don't think i can take the blow you gave. It's the most awful thing you can possibly do to me-leave me.I have to say, my tears are worth nothing as it flows too easily nowadays. I don't think i can look you in the eye and realize that we don't have anything anymore.That thought alone broke my heart into pieces. After Memi left, i realized that i'm more fragile than before. I thought i was strong enough to come out of that devastating period in life as a survivor, but certainly, i was wrong. I am not that strong. And i thought that with all the things that we endured together, we were supposed to be rock-solid.But no-you have the tendency to push me aside whenever things go awry. And sometimes, i feel helpless. And you, feel suffocated. At this moment of writing,I am feeling numb. I'm not so sure if i can see you again and act like i'm okay. I hate the fact that i'm associated with the phrase 'do stupid things'. But i realized that i haven't behaved much to prove the words wrong. Whenever people find out that we're no longer together, the first thing they tell me is 'don't do anything stupid'. Define 'stupid things' to me please. Is it smoking? Chopping off your locks with the kitchen knife? Pop pills that can cause deformed babies? The thing that makes you the person that you are is the way you handle the situation-not the outcome of the situation. I told this to myself time and time again,and 'doing stupid things' is what makes me..me. I love the contradiction. Like wearing pink when the fact is i hate pink. Do you think that i can make this thru alone? Do you have faith that i will take care of myself and not do anything foolish?
At first, i don't even think that i can be 'just a friend'. Then i remembered the first card i gave you and i know i have to live up to my own promises. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. I said before that come what may, we'll always be friends. Because i cannot NOT have you in my life. And now, it's time for me to prove my words. But seeing your face, brings back all the memories. ALL of THEM. And no matter how hard i try, i can't shake them away. And as twisted as it is, the only way i can still be around you is by being 'just a friend'. The pure irony hurts.
I really don't know, Heikal. I really don't. I don't know what will happen to me, a day, two months, two years from now..i have no idea. But i know that great things await you for i pray for that in each of my solat and if God willing, He listens. My only wish is to see you make in life, achieving what you want. By you achieving what you want, then will only i know that this breakup you initiated is justified. That i am not left here in vain. It's a bitter pill for me to swallow, and by the Grace of God, i'm trying very hard to be strong.
I have nothing else to offer except for my faith in you, personal care, deep respect for your honesty and profound love for the person that you are. It is very hard for me to act casual around you when i cannot forget the way we were. And at the same time, i don't want to lose you as a friend. I was good friends with my ex once-after we broke up-and apparently, those memories are the ones that stuck with me instead of the ones when i was officially with him. You have great influence on me and i linger on that influence. And promises, these are what you promised me before:
a) to take me to Incubus concert when we're middle age...=)
b) to buy me a new set of lingerie (white if it's cotton, black if it's anything else and when all else fails..pink would do...<=)
c) to always be there for me (i can't remember when but you did say this before)
d) that you will always be my friend (the card you gave)
e) last but never the least, you promised me Mikail....words cannot express how strongly i feel about this imaginary lil' boy...(bear in mind:if it's not me, then you should change his name to Ali or Abu or something...<=)
From the bottom of my heart, i bear no ill feelings towards what has happened. I am a big girl now, and no matter how foolish i can be sometimes, i don't need you to worry about silly me. You have enough burden on you shoulders already. Maybe one day, i'll stop crying. Who knows...
So, go out, get lost, be the biggest nerd, work you freakin ass off, have your arcane glimpse of the universe and whether you can or cannot demistify life, come back and find me here. With a suitcase. That would be a real Troy+Lainy moment =.>
I've loved you deeply before and i guess, for now, i'll continue to do so from where i'm standing. I believe i made a pact with you before..just before SPM ends..and according to my clock, i still have 8 years left to keep that promise and realize it 8 years later.
I wish you all the greatness in life, Heikal. As true as the meaning of your name. I guess missing you terribly is not an option. It's a given.
"Great is a woman who wants nothing more than a noble man"
And i want to be that woman.
Love,
Nanim.
I responded to this along time ago.. But after 5 years, i know better.. If I had received this today my love, here is what I will say..
Dearest you,
Ive been thinking a lot too.. Mostly I think about you.. I think about how I wish I never uttered those stupid words.. I wish I did not have that huge ego.. I wish I had realised how much a part of my life you have become.. And I wish I can turn back time..
The blow that i gave you.. I regret it.. from the bottom of my heart.. I don't wish to leave you, ever.. I just have a stupid ego.. And im ashamed of it.. That blow that i gave you.. I have received it.. And I am exactly what you described.. I am the one not strong enough for this.. I am the one who is associated with doing stupid things now.. And you are the strong one.. How cruel fate can be, now that the tables are turned.. I was young and stupid then.. It might not have affected us badly.. But today, being where we are.. It was a fatal blow.. I always knew back then that we would always be together.. But for the first time, after 7 years.. Im no longer sure.. My love for you is stronger than its ever been.. I thought I loved you a lot back then.. But now I know, that my love for you now is boundless.. Now i know, because for the first time in my life, i committed 100% to something.. And that something is you, our relationship.. I committed to it, although i was still being foolish.. but i gave you every part of my heart, my thought, my prayers.. And i began to love you more and more.. and the cycle kept repeating.. Its boundless.. I do not wish to live my life without you as my wife someday, i refuse to..
You said before that come what may, we'll always be friends. Because you cannot NOT have me in ur life. And you're right.. Seeing your face, brings back all the memories. ALL of THEM. And no matter how hard i try, i can't shake them away. And as twisted as it is, the only way i can still be around you is by being 'just a friend'. The pure irony hurts. The worse irony is that i'm eating my own medicine.. I cannot just be a friend to you.. I realise that now.. After what we had, what we shared.. To lose all that.. How can I ever just see u from afar.. It would kill me.. I want more than that.. I want to give you more than just being a friend to you.. You deserve everything, and I want to be the one to give you all that.. Its selfish, but what is love if its not selfish.. To think that I would have to stand aside and see you find happiness from somewhere, or something else.. The thought breaks me.. Shatters me to pieces.. Saps the will to live from me.. How can I survive without seeing your smile again.. Hearing you call me sayang again.. Gazing into your eyes again.. Touch your soft skin again.. The agony of even the possibility of not having that anymore hurt me beyond repair.. Its so hard to not be able to tell you i love you.. even though you know i do.. Even though i know you know i do.. Refraining myself eats a part of me every single day..
The breakup was justified.. I was stupid.. and stupid people do not deserve your kindness.. However, stupid people deserve chances to mend themselves.. This was a wakeup call.. And I understand now many things i did not before.. Im hoping against hope that im not too late, and that i am not so screwed up to not deserve to be loved by you anymore.. I am so scared of you forgetting me.. You are my only chance in life.. The only thing ive ever done right, was to love you.. Even then, i did not do it the right way.. With my mistakes and inadequacies.. I told you someday that I will change.. Here I am now.. I thought I needed the reason to change to be for myself.. I am wrong.. changing for you is the only reason worth changing.. Because you would only want the best of me, and you would never let me change into something i shouldnt be.. So you are my guide in life.. Without you, i'm forever lost.. and condemned to hell.. I don't want that.. I want you..
Profound love for you.. i wish i could express it to you.. My tears are meaningless if they dont move you my love.. Those promises, i do hold them dear.. And little by little, we would have worked on it..
a) to take me to Incubus concert when we're middle age...=)
its still possible, though to be fair, we did go to a muse concert together.. i love you..
b) to buy me a new set of lingerie (white if it's cotton, black if it's anything else and when all else fails..pink would do...<=)
this i have done, and there would be more to come if only i didn't mess it up with you.. i love you..
c) to always be there for me (i can't remember when but you did say this before)
i remember this promise.. I made it under a tree in astaka.. i still want to be there for you.. even though i have been so lacking.. to err is human, to change is natural, to give me a chance is something i pray for, everyday lately.. i love you..
d) that you will always be my friend (the card you gave)
this i will try my hardest.. even though it hurts like mad.. i am trying.. through all the pain and sufering.. i will try.. unil i cant do it anymore.. then i'll wither and die.. im sorry.. i love you..
e) last but never the least, you promised me Mikail....words cannot express how strongly i feel about this imaginary lil' boy...(bear in mind:if it's not me, then you should change his name to Ali or Abu or something...<=)
mikail is ours and only ours.. he's still my dream, though u've given up on him.. mikail was never blackmail.. he was our hopes and dreams when we were young.. he still is to me now.. having him would have been our greatest achievement, and i hold myself responsible for his death.. If it isnt you, it wont be mikail.. it wont be anybody.. mikail is yours.. ours.. forever.. like my heart.. i love you..
"I've loved you deeply before and i guess, for now, i'll continue to do so from where i'm standing. I believe i made a pact with you before..just before SPM ends..and according to my clock, i still have 8 years left to keep that promise and realize it 8 years later."
there's still time sayang.. im crying now oh god.. =./ i want my 3 years with you to try and work it out.. i mintak ampun sayang.. i love you..
I wish you all the greatness in life, Heikal. As true as the meaning of your name. I guess missing you terribly is not an option. It's a given.
Its so great for me to finally be able to say it, but you are great now.. greater than me, and im so proud of you.. you've become that journalist we dreamed about back in school when u showed me the sketchbook and that tree you drew back then.. Missing you is not just a given, its a condition i suffer from constantly even when im around you..
"Great is a woman who wants nothing more than a noble man"
Greater is the man who can be noble to that woman..
And that woman is you nanim.. I pray that I can be that man.. I want to be that man.. =./
Love,
Your brown-eyed Heikal..
Eternally yours, now, always and forever..
7 years of heart, i love you.. | | |
| Woke up to bloody heart palpitations again.. Feels like a sharp steel metal probe was inserted from the outside of my chest into my heart, pressing against the inner left wall.. Its slow throughout the day but picks up the pace when i'm asleep, every day, pretty much the same way for over a week already.. The sensation is somewhat like a cold rod stabbed into warm pounding flesh, the difference in heat making it all that much clearer.. Is it common for emotional pain to manifest itself into physical ones so vividly..? I understand the constant feeling of cold and shivering hands though, these don't bother me too much. At least I know they're purely emotions.. But this stabbing pain and struggling to breathe is worrisome somewhat.. Its escalated from the last time when it was only the occasional chest pains..
I think its partly because i'm smoking too much, yet again.. Not by choice, since its the only sustenance i'm having at the moment.. I just cant eat, however much I want to.. Its not by choice either, not at all.. I'm not protesting anything, or trying to prove anything.. I know my stomach is empty but my brain keeps sending this half full sensations making me not have any appetite at all.. Everything taste dull, numb, and I feel nauseous throughout the whole day.. What a bloody mess.. I hope its just me falling ill because I got caught in the rain a few days back or something.. Its better to have an illness you know and can cure, rather than something you just cant explain.. Not knowing is very scary, very scary indeed..
She texted me this morning which was so unexpected.. It was just a one liner, without any semblance of warmth.. Sure it hurt as usual, but my heart leaped in its cage hearing that all too familiar and sorely missed ring tone.. I actually held my breath, opening it.. How can I properly articulate how grateful I am for such a small, meaningless text from her.. To know she thought of me, even so briefly, gives me hope that maybe I'm not such a total fuckup after all.. That I still have something to look forward to is prolly the only thing keeping me breathing at the moment..
Which brings me to another emotion.. I'm ashamed at myself for having no desire to study at all.. I have 4 papers this week, and as alarmed as I am, I did not and could not do anything about it.. Its a struggle to just wake up everyday, let alone pretend i'm okay, try to learn, mingle and work with my classmates.. I'm sad and ashamed that I'm doing this after all my parents have sacrificed to provide me with this education.. All I want to do is just curl up and cry every single time.. Forget machismo, grief is grief.. You're a fool if you cant even be honest with yourself that much.. I finally understood this.. I could finally cry again after so long.. And it just never stops.. Imagine grief so severe that you cry yourself to sleep everyday.. Now imagine you have heart palpitations so you could never really fall asleep.. Never ending torment isn't it.. Yeap, sucks to be me..
On a separate note, it hurts a lot when she talks about me to others and they say things like "im shocked yeah, but totally expected it i guess".. Yeah I know, they'll always think the worst of me after all that i've done.. After all that I've done, yeah.. People know there are always two sides to every story but they just cant be arsed about it, do they.. I don't blame them i guess, everybody's biased to some point.. I just wonder if they've ever thought even for a second about the other side.. I'm guessing not, heh.. Even Amy thought I made it up.. Because she thought facebook interactions don't lie.. Facebook interactions are never real because its on display for others.. And you would never display your dirty laundry in public, would you. heh.. In any case, I'm still at fault so suck it up Heikal, just suck it up..
My smile is as real as your fake plastic trees.. May Allah grant me the strength to endure the things I cannot accept, the courage to bear the things that I barely can, and the wisdom in me to know the difference..
7 Years of Heart, I love you..
EDIT: Fuck I almost published this to Facebook.. This new feature is dangerous.. Make a note to uncheck that damn box every time..
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| How do you tell everyone else that you're barely able to smile, let alone pretend you're ok and carry on with your life like everyone expects you to.. How do you translate emotional pains and physical strains into words that can never compensate for your loss.. How do you make everyone else understand that everything else matters not, not anymore.. How do you make them understand that you need their presence and understanding but not their thoughts.. How do you breathe when you're me, pitiful, pathetic, broken hearted me..
Maybe you just cant..? | | |
| Dear readers..
This blog which was once a source of entertainment and public consumption is now henceforth private, humiliating, embarrassing and none of your business.. I am turning this blog into my emotional vomit, which will induce similar physical reactions in you so i suggest you get the fuck out.. Its not that I don't appreciate you reading my opinions and thoughts, its just that the Heikal you knew died with his heart.. And it was no one's fault but his own.. I am of course glad for the fact that this blog has been abandoned for over two years, providing me with the privacy i need at the moment. This is because I fully intend to name names and spill my guts out.. However, just in case some of you accidentally subscribed to this page, i implore you to remove it from your list.. This is now my journal, and I beseech you to leave me alone or at the very least, read it in silence.. I am dedicating this to the love of my life, with whom you know as B, and I fondly refer to as Nanim.. Having said that, i'm taking a deep breath and posting my first post.. This is your cue to stop reading and close this page.. Goodbye and thanks for everything..
7 Years of Heart, I Love you..
Do you believe in romance,
In eternal love, and emotional sunshine,
I didn't
What of soulmates,
And twin hearts borne to intertwined fates.
I didn't
Because I am a fool
I am the fool who cannot discern the difference of what's privilege and what's heaven sent.
I am the fool who cannot commit to relationships because his heart was open to rent.
I am the fool who ...
I am the fool.
Because I am scum
I am the scum that feeds on the fungus that grows on stupid ignorant boys.
I am the scum that feeds on the torment caused by treating people like toys.
I am the scum that ...
I am the scum.
I lost my way along the journey,
Enticed by prospects of constant play,
Supposed growth lost to immaturity,
Ultimately leading me astray,
Oh how I wish I was back in the day,
7 years, 3 months, 15 days ago today,
It was the happiest moment of my life,
When I professed love to my future wife,
A lovely Thursday, the break of dawn,
A single lone smile amidst all the yawns,
I stepped into the canteen smiling back at you,
so graciously beautiful in white and blue,
And we sat and spoke the words of the heart,
I love you, be mine, let us never part,
Simple words could never describe,
The ecstatic joy we were feeling inside,
And you ran off giggling, so happy and gay,
I could not take my eyes off you that day,
7 years, 3 months, and 15 days later,
All that remains are memories of yesteryear,
Broken to pieces, dismissed on a whole
across the chest a god-shaped hole.
Oh how I wish I was back in the day,
When you loved me, and it was all okay.
Do you believe in romance,
In eternal love, and emotional sunshine,
Too late
What of soulmates,
And twin hearts borne to intertwined fates.
Too late
She loves you naught, she loves you, nay,
You tore her heart, and now you'll pay,
Death denies you, happiness escapes you,
All you're worth are nothing, less than nothing, no nothing at all..
Nanim,
I don't want you to read this.. I really don't.. I just want to spill it out without hurting you again.. I am a source of constant pain for you and I am ashamed of it.. I'm ashamed of myself.. Of my blubbering actions, of my harsh words, of my stupid arguments, of my fascist decisions, of my ineptitude, of my bad attitude, of my idiocy, of my fallacy.. I am proud of you.. You've achieved your dream, you're a fantastic journalist, you're an accomplished writer, you're an absolute star.. I'm grateful for everything.. There's too many to list, I hope you forgive me for them.. Halalkan semuanya sayang.. I want you to know you are segala-galanya to me.. 7 years of heart, I love you.. Eternally yours, I will always wait for you.. Always you.. And only you..
Nads, Juls, Kummy,
I'm an idiotic fool.. Ive failed my promise to you guys.. I could not make her happy and Im ashamed of it.. My inadequacies are appalling, and I beg for your forgiveness.. There's nothing left to say.. But menyesal menyesal menyesal tak sudah..
7 years of heart, I love you..
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